A big decision

After many, many, many conversations- in the car during road trips, in the middle of the night when one of us couldn’t sleep, at the dinner table, during songs at church- C and I have decided 100% that we are going for an anonymous sperm donor.

What it comes down to, ultimately, is that we don’t want to be subject to someone else’s whims when it comes to making a baby. Cryobanks just send you the sperm if you give them the money. A dude you know has to say yes…or no. And there’s nothing you can say about it. He could just not like something you said and decide to change his mind…. You should have seen me trying to write this damn email to the guy we were considering using as a known donor. Everyone knows I have absolutely no problem drafting an email. For the life of me I couldn’t even come up with a proper subject line! “Hi, this is Abby” sounded super weird and “Hi! Wanna Make a Baby?” wasn’t much better.

I just don’t want to handle the possibility for that level of rejection. Call me scared or whatever; I don’t care. If I know anything by 30, it’s that my boundaries are my boundaries are my boundaries- and I don’t have to explain them to anyone.

So, that’s the big decision, folks. We are back to saving up the money for a couple of rounds of sperm from the bank; gonna be more than $3,000 for three tries. It’s worth every penny. And, this is actually good that we decided this now. When we both finally made the decision, I could physically feel the weight lift off my shoulders. I wasn’t ready to start trying next month or even by the end of the year. I needed more time, but it was almost impossible for me to tell that to C. We know that age has its limits and that is an acute worry of ours. Still, it’s no better to rush into something and give yourself an ulcer from stress than it is to wait until you can honestly (without any butterflies in your stomach) say you are really ready.

This is gonna be good. Really good. I’m so relieved.

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