I’ve got so much to do that my stomach is burning and buzzing and my mouth is dry and my jaw is clenched and my shoulders are scrunched up around my neck. I’m dumping out here because if I don’t, I may continue to panic like I am and this is not comfortable, so I need to do something about it.
Mainly, I’m trying to remind myself to breathe. Just breathe. Its hard to do though when you have a million things running around in your head, like the need to make a doctors appointment, the need to stop drinking caffeine, the need to get to your homework finally, the need to clean the house and pick up the daughter from daycare, the need to eat something more substantial than a sugary oatmeal cup and iced latte from the corner coffee shop.
Y’all, I feel like I’m failing. I feel like I just want to give up because that’s what I’d do anyway, right? I’d quit. I’d “just do whatever I want to anyway.” Why not just give in?
Breathing in………….breathing out…………breathing in………..breathing out…………
Okay, that’s a little bit better.
I’m breathing now.
Sometimes that’s all I can do in any given moment. I wish I could multi-task, even though I know this concept is a fiction- a story we tell ourselves in our hectic digitalized age. None of us really can multi-task. Only one thing at a time if you are going to do any one thing remotely well. Still, I fall for it. I see my list – broken up into sections, naturally- but each list is a mile long and I think about how much time I have to do these things and I think about the conditions that are ideal for me to get through the list and I cannot reconcile these two things.
My inner wisdom says to just sit with the discomfort, but y’all, I don’t have time to just sit with the discomfort.
What happens if I don’t do it all? What happens if I fail this class? What happens if I get my homework done on time, but the house doesn’t get cleaned? What happens if I lose my mind while sitting in a crazy messy, smelly house (because I will) and I permanently emotionally damage Olivia?
Okay, now that I type this out I realize how ridiculous this sounds.
Before I started typing this post, I typed out my list with the intention of sharing it here, so that’s what I’ll go back to now. My list. Slowly and steadily I’ll cross each item off, prioritizing as I go, always putting Olivia first. What is best for her? See…that’s where I get so stuck! If I’m concerned about her welfare then why do I spend so much time away from her doing my homework? If I love her, why am I so stressed out about the house being messy? If I care, why do I……………
This is about control, isn’t it?