Past tense

I’m keeping it all inside these days.

According to who I knew myself to be for the first 32 years of my life, this is a strange phenomenon. Not anymore, though.

So much is different about me now and I’m not sure how to feel other than…too tired to care most of the time. I see myself changing, not necessarily for the worse, and I can’t seem to find the sustained motivation to return to my former self.

Before Olivia peeked her big, sweet head into this world, I was adamant about staying true to myself despite my new title. I knew myself very, very well and believe me, that self-knowledge was hard won. No one was going to make me change!

What I didn’t anticipate were the natural changes that could occur without my explicit resistance- the shifts in my focus, my interests- even my values.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I up and became a gun-toting, stay-at-home, republican, home-schooling, evangelical Christian-ist mommy blogger. These shifts were much, much more subtle. They took me by surprise at a time when I had very little fight left. And you know what? Maybe some of these changes aren’t necessarily working for me anymore. I get it. The adaptive nature of survival. What was once a useful tool can become irrelevant once we are past the really hard part. Also, maybe, the realization that this tool is no longer useful is actually the first glimmer of emergence into a better space.

I want to write again, y’all. I want to care. I want to set up a schedule, wake up early with the birds, make coffee, take time to myself, get it all down and out.

Also, I don’t.

What I am sure of is this: This pulling inward, zipping my lips, pushing, pushing, pushing through, worked for 19 months. I guess I needed it. still do. My dearest wife does not, however, and its begun to get in our way.

When I was 20, my boyfriend at the time (who was 27), told me that I was going to change drastically between 20 and 25 and then again between 25 and 30. Indeed, looking back, I’m virtually unrecognizable to myself. Implicit in this developmental view, though, was the assertion that upon reaching 30 I’d never again be so changed that I would find myself a mere shell after the transition.

Motherhood did that to me. And again this time it was all for the better.

More, please.

Okay, maybe it’s the hormones released by holding my tiny niece or maybe it’s that I’m about to start my monthly girl time. Then again it could also be that I’ve been weaning Olivia and enjoying a newfound cuddly connection not merely based on meeting physical needs. Whatever it is, I totally want another baby.

Now is not the time. I’m still in graduate school and have about a year left. Olivia is still so small and life with her is only now starting to get even microscopically easier. We don’t have the money. I don’t have the patience. We haven’t yet finished filling in the cracks in our relational foundation. I’m not in shape enough to support another pregnancy. We don’t live in a big enough place….

You catch the drift. The list goes on and on. And yet… we do have those four vials on ice!

Hey, the good thing is that it really ain’t gonna happen by accident. Lol! It may not be time right now, but more and more I’m thinking we might just have to go for seconds sometime in the next few years.

Kisses for cousin 💗

She’s Here!!!!

Introducing baby Cora Ruth- all 8lbs, 3oz of her! She is a wee one at only 19″ long. Big bro and big sis were each 21.5″. She has a shiny halo of strawberry blond hair and is just the most perfect mix of her parents and older siblings! I’m so in love!!


Super Auntie to the rescue!

My sister is gonna have her baby today, y’all! She and her husband made the educated decision to opt for a c-section after all and are both feeling relieved and excited to meet baby Cordelia (Cora) Ruth tonight around 5!

Of course this means that us Aunties get to take care of D & W while Mommy and Daddy are at the hospital. They came over last night due to my sister’s very early morning admittance slot. While bedtime was a bit of a juggling act and getting all three kids and carseats into the back of my XB this morning was kind of a nightmare, we finally figured it out, took Olivia to daycare, made a few other stops, and then came home. Now D & W are crashed out on my bed and I get some time to blog! I seriously feel like a goddess right now for having not only survived getting three toddlers ready and out the door, but also two of them fed, and put down for a nap. Damn, I’m good. Haha! No, actually, they are really good kids. You should have seen how sweet they both were to offer Olivia hugs and sweet goodbyes when we dropped her off at daycare. I seriously swooned…and then bought them each a toy for being so sweet. That’s what Aunties are for after all, right? :)

Photo on 2-18-15 at 12.54 PM

I shudder at the sound

Omg. Do you all also throw up a little in your mouth when you hear certain sounds? I remember reading about this on FB recently- that it actually has a name, but I can’t remember the name right now. For me it is the sound of swallowing. When my cat cleans himself and when my wife’s teeth clack and I can hear her swallowing when she eats….*shudder.* I really want to crawl out of my skin at the sound. Now I have to go G.oogle it….

Misophonia: “a rarely diagnosed neuropsychiatric disorder- literally ‘hatred of sound.'”

I think I have it, y’all.

Anyway, I have to get my mind off of this because my wife is done eating and the cat is currently not cleaning himself. I really need to move on…

Here’s what I did the other night when I couldn’t sleep. Like I blogged the other day, I’ve got lots of ideas rolling around in my head for blog topics, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to write them down and keep them by my bedside. The list goes on for several pages and I’m really excited to start pulling from the list soon!


Please let me know if there are any other ideas you’d like to see me blog about! One of the bloggers I follow recently created a 14 day blog challenge for herself and I might just do that too. Thanks for the inspiration, Mamaetmaman!


Valentines Craftiness

In case you are waiting with bated breath for news of my sister’s baby’s arrival (ha ha!) I’ll first let you know that there is no baby yet. She’s taking her sweet old time!

This has been good for me as I’ve been able to catch up on some much needed sleep after staying up nearly all day and night with D & W. Also, I had the energy and time last night to craft! My craft boxes make their appearance roughly every two years, but when they do I usually have fun. Last night I made Valentines for Olivia’s daycare-mates and teachers. Pinterest came in quite handy as far as inspiration goes, but I also happened to have lots of Valentines-ish crafting supplies left over from my sister’s last baby shower two years ago.

Here’s how the card and present turned out for her classmates (with the name blurred out):


To do this craft, I took:

  • 1 organic squeeze pouch in a berry flavor (these were banana & blueberry)
  • 1 hand held hole punch
  • scissors
  • thin ribbon
  • thicker ribbon
  • construction paper
  • fine-tip sharpie
  • craft glue
  • pre-cut sparkly hearts in various sizes (found at Michaels)
  • pre-cut thin wooden hearts (also found at Michaels)

How to:

  1. Cut out the shape of a heart from the construction paper
  2. Using hole punch, punch two holes on either side of the middle of the heart
  3. Using Sharpie, write your message on the paper heart
  4. Using craft glue, attach the sparkly heart to the wooden heart (to make it “pop” off the paper). Add another smaller size sparkly heart in the middle
  5. Glue the back of the wooden heart onto the paper
  6. thread a length of thin ribbon through each hole that you punched from front to back and fasten it around the neck of the squeeze pouch. Cut off the extra on the back side.
  7. Take your thicker ribbon and make a pretty bow
  8. Using more craft glue, attach it to the front of the heart
  9. Sit back and admire your crafty-goddess skills!

Really, you can go any way you like with this craft. I just played around until it looked good to me and I already had all of these supplies at home. Use what you have laying around and get creative!

For her teachers I made the same card, except I wrote “Thank you for helping me grow! Happy Valentine’s Day!” and attached the ribbon around a small potted African Violet plant which I picked up for super cheap at Freddies.

As for crafting gifts for my wife and daughter, don’t count on it. Lol! I think I scratched my crafting itch sufficiently well for the next few years :) Besides, C told me the other day that all she wants are a pair of socks with hearts on them that she saw at New Seasons. At least one of us is easy to please! :)


If you know me or my sister IRL, keep this post on the DL, k?

My sister began labor last night! Before we went to bed I got a text from her saying that the contractions had been fairly regular all day and that I should be ready to come over at any time. About 1:30 the call came, so I dressed quickly and walked across the complex to her place. C stayed with Olivia. D had awoken from a nightmare about giant spiders attacking his dad, so he was sitting next to his mom on the couch. W was crashed out on her parents bed. The doula was there timing contractions, but over all my sister seemed pretty calm. After a while I offered to take the kids to my place so she could focus on her labor in peace with her doula and husband. They were cool with that so I loaded the kids up and we walked back to my place. By this point they were both wide awake. Despite my best efforts they refused to sleep, but were resting quietly on the couch watching a movie. Around 5:30 C came downstairs and asked me if I wanted her to put them to bed. I said, “Good luck!,” but what would you know, she had them both asleep within 15 minutes! She made a bed on the floor in Olivia’s room for D and invited W to cuddle with us in our bed. Oh my goodness those girls were so cute together! They are only 9 months apart, after all.

Anyway, we all slept for about three hours until C had to get up for work. She got Olivia ready and took her off to daycare while I herded the older kids downstairs to start our day. We played and ate breakfast, cleaned up, went grocery shopping, came home and played some more before having lunch, then W and I lay down for a nap while D played in Olivia’s room. All the while I hadn’t heard from my sis about what was going on. Shortly after I woke up, though, she texted and let me know that her labor had slowed significantly. She’d been to the hospital around 5:30am only to be sent home because she was merely 20% effaced and 1cm dilated. She asked if I’d keep the kids for now so she could continue trying to get her labor to move along again. I agreed, but before long she let me know that things were really not moving and I could bring them home. I was almost done cooking the kids dinner by this point, so we finished that endeavor and then I took them home. C picked our girl up from daycare, stopped at an HOA meeting for our condo that we rent out, and then came home.

By the time Olivia and I were reunited I was sooooo beyond ready to see her. How y’all working moms who are gone all day do this I have no clue! C does it every day too. I didn’t realize it until I lay eyes on her, but man did I miss my little muffin! Needless to say, I was really ready for it to just be our little family once again. Don’t get me wrong, I adore our niece and nephew and they are truly very good kids, but its just not the same as being with your own child.

There’s so much more I could share about our day and I know that I’ll be posting again in the next several days when her labor starts up again and the kids come back here, but this post is already getting to be super long. So, I’ll leave you with a funny story and a cute picture. Sound good? Good.

The scene is at my car as I attempt to put D & W’s carseats in the back next to O’s. As the kids stand at the back of the car holding onto the trunk as I have instructed so I can keep my eyes on them, I finagle with the carseats and quickly realize they won’t both fit along with O’s seat. I begin thinking aloud then and say, “hmmm…well, this isn’t gonna work. So, I think I’ll just put W’s seat back here in the trunk…” D quickly interrupts me, “Um, Auntie, do you think that’s the best idea?” Lmao! He thought I was going to make his little sister ride in the trunk! I about died from keeping the laughter inside and reassured him that his sister could ride in O’s seat and I’d put his on the other side of the back. That was quite a relief to my little 4 year old nephew, who clearly has the very best interests of his sissy in mind at all times. Actually after I’d composed myself even more I made sure to tell him a couple of times that I was very proud of him for telling me that he thought this was an unsafe idea. I told him that he should never be afraid to speak up to adults if he wants to say “no” or question them on something that feels wrong to him. He’s a smart little guy, that’s for sure!

Okay, now for the cute picture of the day! You’ve made it this far, surely you should be rewarded! :)

This is D & W at the grocery store holding the treats they picked out for being so well-behaved for Auntie. Sooomebody is half asleep. I couldn’t tell you who! *wink, wink*